Reintroduction
I can’t seem to find a defining quality of myself- at least not one that I like. I also find it challenging to put a label on my personality, to me my personality as a whole is too obscure to summarize; I have no outstanding talent in a particular area or a dominant mood. Someone I’m not that familiar with me would most definitely describe me as average.
Search For Accomplishment
To figure out what I’m really interested in, I’ve started from what I do at leisure, in other words, my hobbies. The first thing that comes to mind is music. I enjoy listening, playing and making music- specifically the process of making music; I think creating something you are truly proud of is exciting and extremely admirable.
Speaking in broader terms, I think that my interest in creativity and socializing can merge with more than just my hobbies but also my future directions. For example, I can take my enthusiasm for creation and communication and integrate it in group projects. I would can express myself through multiple ways, not just music and hopefully enjoy socializing with not just good friends but also people I’m not so familiar with.
Definition
My beliefs are a set of subjective ideas formed under the influence of my morals and ethics. I believe that it is imperative for humans to be honest to themselves, and that self-deception is a very unhealthy thing; to reach self-fulfillment one should, at the very least, be open, truthful with themselves and be comfortable with that.
I can’t possibly list all of my beliefs so, I have reduced my thoughts down to the two beliefs that are the most significant to me at this stage of my life.
-Being a bad person isn’t as bad as having bad faith; no matter how bad or ugly your thoughts may seem, lying to yourself as always worse
-Genuine relations over happy ones; understand and seek mutually authentic and open relationships
We are constantly forming, defining, and redefining everything; I do believe that these values will change and I welcome that.
Anxiety
Control and attachment are in this sense both connected, I feel like I don’t possess the ability to control my attachment with others and thus I develop emotions- anxiety. I cannot control how they respond to my expectations; I don’t feel as if I have the ability to manipulate that. So, when faced with the probability of the loss of control and attachment I will experience anxiety.
I define control as expectancy or predictability; I think everyone wants to feel secure and having a certain amount of clarity fulfills that security. Without insight over a situation, I tend to feel fear or unease; I don’t know what will happen next and what to expect so knowing what will happen next gives me a sense of direction and outs me at ease.
The attachment to other people, the co-reliance between two people seems to me as the most fundamental of these “Needs”. The inconsistent responses I receive from the subjects of my attachment make me feel insecure; as a result, I value my attachments with other people even if they may not be completely secure or in other words, superficial to an extent.
Growth
I dislike the idea of changing yourself for the sake or improvement/change, compared to improving yourself because you’ve decided you don’t like something about yourself and you know it’s for the best. Therefore, before I decide I need to improve a certain aspect of myself, I would first reason why my flaw is a flaw and why the proposed change is an improvement. From here I’ve identified two areas that I think need improvement.
Identifying Mistakes
To improve myself I first need to accept criticism. To achieve that, I must step out of character and analyze the situation as objectively as possible. This includes not bringing in emotion of my own or, analyzing their argument and considering their emotions.
By doing this I would also gain some discipline over my emotions, I won’t be as clouded as before. I will also be open to feedback, I could actually improve myself through others. In addition, this is also a set forward in achieving a growth mindset in the feedback and criticism category.
Perseverance
Currently, without external motivation I struggle to stick to the task, I wish to improve my ability to provide motivation for myself, especially when the task becomes difficult. The key purpose of improving this aspect of me isn’t so that I can achieve more, the key purpose is to experience a complete process, including the struggle of completing a grueling task.
Reflection
I’m now conscious of my behavior, of my mindset and, of the reason for them. I may not be able to perfectly analyze and trace them down to their root cause but, I think I’ve started working towards just that.
You can find the full report above. But i do feel like my current writing capabilities aren’t competent enough to explain my thought process; I imagine there have been many misinterpretations on what I’ve written. So as an alternative, I encourage you to look at a few of my projects and get to know me from another perspective.